It is now that time again, when I get to whine and moan to no one in particular about one of my shortcomings (and no comment from the peanut gallery about how many of those there are, please). This one has always been a particularly painful one for me to admit, given my age and the circles in which I travel. It is my secret shame, of which until now only my closest and dearest friends and family have known. Actually, that might not actually change, given the number of people who I suspect frequently visit this blog (maybe I should, y’know, tell people about it one of these days…). Just what is this terrible secret, you ask? Simple: I suck at video games.
I love playing them, of course. And there are a handful of specific genres at which I’m fairly skilled: turn-based role-playing, strategy, and tactical games, and traditional adventure games (of the text-based and and point-and-click graphical variety). But the kind of games that the average member of the public thinks about when the topic is brought up? Things like Super Mario Bros., or Grand Theft Auto, or Halo? I’ve no skill whatsoever. The last platform game I was able to complete without cheating? I’m pretty sure it was Kirby’s Dream Land for the original Game Boy.
The really obnoxious part about all this? Since elementary school, my self-identity has been pretty closely tied up in gaming. My friends are all gamers, and they’re pretty much all significantly better at it than me. For a time, I was able to at least keep up with the discussion through the generous use of cheating, particularly with devices like the Game Genie or the Action Replay. Unfortunately, what with the rise of online gaming, and the increase in console lock-down techniques, such devices are becoming fewer and farther between. So I have come, for instance, to accept that I will never be able to make significant progress in Metroid Prime 3.
Not that I’m asking for sympathy, mind you. Over the years I’ve learned to live with my lack of gaming skill, and I remain at relative peace with myself. I’ve even resigned myself to having the majority of gamers to whom I reveal my secret go all sanctimonious on me, telling me that all I need to do is practice, and how I shouldn’t cheat because “I’m only hurting myself” (an argument which still boggles me). So why bother sharing this in the first place, you ask? Is it part of some weird passive-aggressive messiah complex thing?
Well, no. Partly it’s the catharsis, partly it’s in the hope that I can just refer people to this post when I’m trying to explain why I don’t want to deathmatch them, but mostly it’s because I haven’t posted anything here in months and I feel obligated to say something, lest this blog lie as fallow as my last attempt at blogging. It’s also because of this blog I just came across from a fellow not-very-skilled gamer. I really like the idea of providing occasional game reviews from the perspective of a shitty gamer. And since I strongly believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and because the previously linked blog hasn’t been updated in almost a year, I’ve decided to take a crack at it. I’ve no idea how frequently I’ll get around to adding new entries, but look in the coming few weeks for a few such reviews. Or don’t. Your choice, I guess.
